Do Your Children Respect You?

 

 I was at the home of a dear friend for a quick lunch in between meetings.
Their son is 25 years old and I have seen him grow. The boy in his growing years was an obedient child and perhaps a bit scared of his parents.
That afternoon what I experienced still unsettles me.

I was seated for lunch with my friend and her husband. We had just begun to eat, when their son entered the dining room. Over a minor issue concerning the pet, the young man abused and shouted at the father without any qualms about my presence. The parents were stunned and speechless. Once he was done with the shouting, the young man coolly walked back to his room. I was sad to see the parents humiliated and hurt. Any retort from the father would have ended up in a bitter fight, as the boy was almost ready to hit the father.
This case is not unusual.

I was at the ophthalmologist once waiting for my turn; also present in the waiting room was a middle-aged man with his old mother who he had brought for a check up. Over a small altercation, he almost hit her in front of strangers. The plight of the old helpless mother brought tears to my eyes.
 
My daughter’s friend is perpetually cold and rude to her mother. Her style of conversing is that of snapping at her mother. Never ever have I seen a conversation go smoothly between the two? The girl was raised well, the mother, a self employed professional ensured she spent enough time with her children everyday, looking after minute details of their requirements.
Many of us remember the portrayal of the mother daughter relationship in English Vinglish. The daughter runs down the mother often because she cannot converse in English.

These moments are painful to see, your own child being disdainful and cruel emotionally.
Respect is a complex emotion; often understood in terms of the manifestation of behaviour in a relationship. Respect is both about intent as well as about graphic expression. Like touching of feet of elders, avoiding arguments even when you are right, empathy & sympathy, always ready to serve them.

Respect is the basic foundation of all relationships, even when it is within equals. Love is a very evolved space. Developing love as a state of being is a process of evolution. However, respect though a powerful emotion, alone it can drive any relationship.

Respect as an attitude gains altitude in our being, when we understand principles governing our existence and the existence of others. It is a state of deepened understanding, once you are there, you begin to respect each & everything, all living & non-living beings.
Common discernable facets of being respectful are being obedient, polite, patience, non confrontational and softness in body language. There should be complete absence of sharpness and violence in speech and body language. Even more so in thoughts.
Difference of opinion is usually the common reason of beginning of sharpness in speech, wherein a person loses the balance in his mind, and right perspective. Violent emotions overpower one's sense of reasoning.

Lack of respect emanates in various ways. Usually starts with children reaching adolescence, becoming confident in their speech, growing up and getting a sense of independence and emotional assurance about themselves. Initial confrontations start usually at this time. At this junction in life, their physical dimensions, they become as big as their parents and at most times they exceed the height. This increased height and taller existence also gives a false illusion about their grandeur and more than equal misplaced self belief.

 
We all have observed & subliminally understood that around 70% a person grows from inside and rest he is what he is - as a result of manure he has received from his parents. Some parents in the absence of concurrence from their partner, they become aggressive & violent. If you do not agree with me that means that you are against me. A lot of times such immature emotional outbursts & irrational behavior from parents is absorbed by the child by process of osmosis.  Therefore, whatever they have vicariously learnt from family members becomes overtly visible, without even realising this facet of inheritance. For instance if parents have mutual respect for each other, children would by & large follow in their footsteps.
If either one is disrespected, children will easily attack them or vent their anger on the parent who is unreasonable.

If they have been pushed to follow a certain course of education or profession which has resulted in a failure, that will certainly lead to strained relations.
Parents at times tend to exhibit a bias towards one child leaving the sibling envious and hurt. These emotions eventually translate and culminate into disrespect for parents.
Personally, I feel strongly about the fact that one parent shouldn't be cutting the other one in case of a discipline issue. Not only will the child lose respect for the parent, but also end up getting reassured about the wrong as right since it was endorsed.
Respect is a very delicate understanding in our minds like a fence of a garden. A broken fence can destroy the garden and a strong one will protect it from stray animals.
Parents have unconditional love for children and children are completely dependent on parents till a certain time, more so when they are growing up.

The foundation of respect is laid in the early years and will continue to last for the rest of the lives. The demonstrated & expressed emotions of the parents generally get inherited as the genetic values, all occurring in the subconscious state. A parent has to first become a sensible, well meaning, understanding & a matured human being first.
 A unreasonable and a badly behaved parent much like a relay race hands over his/her negative traits too. That is why, if the basic emotional rectifications are not done through a process of self awareness, they can cause long lasting damage to both the parties.

If this edifice of parent & child relationship is not managed well, this leads to further distancing from each other and lack of respect becomes a primary reason for it.
Parents should have a friendly demeanor towards their children, however a parent is a parent, not a friend. It generally is not harmful to follow a certain parent & child grammar.  
Children must be treated with respect too - shouting, violence, hitting below the belt, being mean when expectations are not met with - all leave a deep impact in their minds.
The other day, at the airport during security, a young lady of about 12-13 years was hit in public by her mother over a trivial issue as she was unable to contain her excitement on taking a flight. The kid was embarrassed and deeply, for the mother was following a classic style of parenting, oblivious to the feelings of the child.

Like they say, the wound heals easily but the scar on the heart never heals.
Children will respect parents when parents will stand tall in the role-play.
Being respectful & reasonable is a fundamental block of building an enduring relationship with your child, as the days of traditional parenting are becoming obsolete.
 
I haven’t found all the answers yet, but I live with the value that not only elders but everyone must be respected. Respect isn't an one-dimensional emotion. Once we view life through the prism of respect, we become mindful and existential respect for each and every aspect of our existence becomes our primary nature. Growing as a being is always a work in progress, we all do fail on certain occasions.

I have realised - that we are in this beautiful universe to evolve & grow, not age. Which most of us do. Aging happens without awareness & efforts.
The journey of life starts, from where we are!

According to Shri Aurobindo - we must prepare ourselves before we give birth to a new life. We must first become aware of who we are and the potential to what we can become. We can give to a child what we have and what we are.

As a first step we should have a role model of a parent in our mind. Then we should write down the values we would like pass-on to our children. We should become the parent - for whom a child would have respect. Most importantly for a parent for whom we will have respect. The story and the foundation of respect, starts from parents.

Becoming a parent with awareness and understanding of our emotions. Having compassion, love and a value system that we would like to pass on to our next generation!
Or life is the greatest teacher as says the Chinese proverb - "To understand your parents' love, you must raise children yourself"

Our social fabric has rewoven its pattern ; acceptance of age is irrelevant to most. The younger generation is very outspoken and confrontational.
Instilling this value will happen only when they see it happening all around them. Parents will have to be a role model in every way. The decorum and tonality of conversations between parents and children should be established at an early age. That would eventually inculcate this into a habit as they grow.  
 
 
 
 
Is respect a fading emotion

Reasons possible

• Conflict at home
• Lack of respect in parents
• Family culture
• Brazen way of communication
• Tonality of family conversations
• Respect of women in the family

The following are some pointers, which you can inculcate in your style of parenting.
Do it Yourself Checklist-

• Do you treat your child with respect
• How do you address them
• Is there softness in your speech
• Do you humiliate them in public
• Do you admonish them in front of guests
• Do you have the patience to go through a difference of opinion peacefully
• Do you force your own idea of life and your aspirations on them
• Do you compare them with other friends / siblings
• How much time do you spend with them educating about life in general
• What is the barometer of discipline – over or under- is there a balance- how often do you say no / yes to their demands

 
 I am happy to take questions on the subject. You can reach me @8851948791.