The Apple of Desire

 Desire, said the Buddha, is the cause of suffering. But without desire, what delight?

Edward Abbey

 

 

The landscape of our society has changed immensely in the last two decades, especially more so in the last one. Technology and social media have had a substantial role to play in changing the social fabric of our lives. The norms of right and wrong have changed; the younger generation believes that every moment must be enjoyed; socializing, mingling and casual relationships have definitely gone up.

There are certain things which are for the better but as the wise ones say; the good and the bad always co exist; they are inseparable.

The younger generation is far more expressive about their desire and sexuality which was a taboo when we were growing up.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it because it is a biological need hence the social order of marriage has been created so that human beings can satisfy their desire and fulfill other emotional needs of love, security, companionship etc.

 

We live in a changed scenario now, education takes priority over marriage.

The new social order has affected the institution of marriage. Families focus on settling the children professionally first before thinking of their marriages.

But the onset of desire remains the same and it peaks as per the biological cycle.

Therefore, youngsters today are not waiting to be married to satisfy their desires. They are getting into intimacy very early perhaps in school as this is the way to go now. It is not a generalization but it is not a one odd case either. Are we ready to accept this new order and prepare our children to strike a balance in their professional goals and physical/emotional welfare. Well thought through communication suited to your child’s personality can be an approach.

 

At the outset, I have to thank two important people who have helped me put this together:

My friend and eminent gynecologist – Meenakshi Ahuja and my daughter, Ananya.

 

 

My conversations on the subject were open and free flowing with my daughter. She was the one who told me on how things have changed and how classmates/friends are going ahead with relationships and intimacy.

 

  Some of these anecdotes are as follows-

 

Meera ( name changed) is a smart average looking teenager who is aware of her sensuality. She is quick to get into relationships, establish physical relations with boys who will pamper her, help her with placements etc. The expression of intimacy is very overt with no inhibitions.

 

Charu has three different boyfriends who are all active on her relationship status. She is sexually involved with all three of them without any qualms.

 

Dolly has been actively involved in sexual relations with three partners which leads to a sexually transmitted medical condition and she is admitted to the hospital.

 

A friend shared an old event - a young 23 year old develops attraction for his young aunt (father's younger brother's wife) and pushes his luck with the aunt when the uncle was away for some errand.

 

Recently first cousins - were caught in a compromised situation by the girl's mother.

 

There are also repeated cases for unwanted pregnancies that come to gynecologists on a daily basis from eminent educational institutions.

Despite all the information available on the internet youngsters do not necessarily take precautions.

 

 These stories are not unusual but all of us would want to hear them and not experience it as parents. Sexuality and its expression is viewed with prejudice especially for women; but do we think about the navigation our children will require through this phase of their life? They must be safeguarded emotionally and physically from any trauma due to lack of proper information and precaution.

 

Emotional intelligence of parents plays a vital role in this communication. Nagging, bickering, denial and acting as a disciplinarian is avoidable in my view. The softness in your dialogue and use of examples is crucial. We all have seen many complicated issues where the closures have been damaging to the child and entire family. These kinds of narratives, if required must be used to safeguard you child.

 

For eg: In case of the character of Maan Kapoor in ‘A Suitable Boy’ also, parents either brush the issue under the carpet or are harsh with the boy. There was an absence of open communication and dialogue. He eventually realizes it was not right but soft communication with the warmth of parenting could have avoided the damage.

 

Basis my understanding, essentially there are three types of young adults:

 

·   Sober and focused on their careers and building a life ahead. They may or may not even have a partner if they are pursuing excellence in their field of choice.

·   The second ones are largely sober with a steady partner; they don’t want to completely ignore their desires; however will keep a balance between work and pleasure; wouldn’t mind a sexual relationship and will be cautious in its execution.

·   The third type is a bit on the wild side; experimental, obsessive even addicted to the idea of sex. They can end up harming themselves in many ways; psychologically and may go completely off track with other life goals. Teenage pregnancies/venereal diseases/ multiple partners/ sex addiction/embarrassing social situations are some of the examples.

 

As per Dr. Meenakshi Ahuja, the case of unwed pregnancies is certainly on the rise. She also talks about serious cases of sexual transmitted diseases in young adults coming to her from prestigious colleges and universities of Delhi. Multiple partners are a reality and so is casual sex. Young adults are out to satisfy their senses under the rush of hormones.

 

 There is no single formula on how you safeguard your children. The family culture, parents outlook, child–parent relationship and understanding all play a very important role in this entire exercise. My understanding of a basic roadmap is as follows :

 

1.   Respect your child and their desires. We all have it. This is Nature’s gift to all living beings in the universe.

2.   Understand the priorities of your child and have a road map ready to communicate on the topic and handle their curiosity well. Use the conversation to unfold areas and make a connect with your child so that they feel comfortable to come and ask you for advise.

3.  Children will start asking some basic questions from age 5 onwards; give them realistic answers. For e.g.: I always told my daughter she came from my womb and was not given to me by a fairy.

4.  Choose fun literature and books for them to read up in advance. Don’t wait for your daughter to start menstruating to tell her about periodic cycles. On the advise of Meenakshi, I had got Meg Cabot books which were a starting point of our discussions.

5.   Your approach and the comfort you give to your child will decide if your child will come back and speak to you honestly.

6.   Dangers of unprotected sexual relations and multiple partners must be clearly explained as they lead to venereal diseases and complications.

7.   Real life situations in the form of story telling must be shared as examples to explain consequences and dangers

8.   Living in a society and its implications on our actions cannot be ignored so that it does not cause embarrassment to your child.

9.  Most importantly, be a bestie to your son or daughter in these years if possible; they will respect you and it will strengthen your bond for the rest of your life.

 

I would like to end with this quote and thought,

Children are completely egoistic; they feel their needs intensely and strive ruthlessly to satisfy them.

Sigmund Freud

 

 

Do Your Children Respect You?

 

 I was at the home of a dear friend for a quick lunch in between meetings.
Their son is 25 years old and I have seen him grow. The boy in his growing years was an obedient child and perhaps a bit scared of his parents.
That afternoon what I experienced still unsettles me.

I was seated for lunch with my friend and her husband. We had just begun to eat, when their son entered the dining room. Over a minor issue concerning the pet, the young man abused and shouted at the father without any qualms about my presence. The parents were stunned and speechless. Once he was done with the shouting, the young man coolly walked back to his room. I was sad to see the parents humiliated and hurt. Any retort from the father would have ended up in a bitter fight, as the boy was almost ready to hit the father.
This case is not unusual.

I was at the ophthalmologist once waiting for my turn; also present in the waiting room was a middle-aged man with his old mother who he had brought for a check up. Over a small altercation, he almost hit her in front of strangers. The plight of the old helpless mother brought tears to my eyes.
 
My daughter’s friend is perpetually cold and rude to her mother. Her style of conversing is that of snapping at her mother. Never ever have I seen a conversation go smoothly between the two? The girl was raised well, the mother, a self employed professional ensured she spent enough time with her children everyday, looking after minute details of their requirements.
Many of us remember the portrayal of the mother daughter relationship in English Vinglish. The daughter runs down the mother often because she cannot converse in English.

These moments are painful to see, your own child being disdainful and cruel emotionally.
Respect is a complex emotion; often understood in terms of the manifestation of behaviour in a relationship. Respect is both about intent as well as about graphic expression. Like touching of feet of elders, avoiding arguments even when you are right, empathy & sympathy, always ready to serve them.

Respect is the basic foundation of all relationships, even when it is within equals. Love is a very evolved space. Developing love as a state of being is a process of evolution. However, respect though a powerful emotion, alone it can drive any relationship.

Respect as an attitude gains altitude in our being, when we understand principles governing our existence and the existence of others. It is a state of deepened understanding, once you are there, you begin to respect each & everything, all living & non-living beings.
Common discernable facets of being respectful are being obedient, polite, patience, non confrontational and softness in body language. There should be complete absence of sharpness and violence in speech and body language. Even more so in thoughts.
Difference of opinion is usually the common reason of beginning of sharpness in speech, wherein a person loses the balance in his mind, and right perspective. Violent emotions overpower one's sense of reasoning.

Lack of respect emanates in various ways. Usually starts with children reaching adolescence, becoming confident in their speech, growing up and getting a sense of independence and emotional assurance about themselves. Initial confrontations start usually at this time. At this junction in life, their physical dimensions, they become as big as their parents and at most times they exceed the height. This increased height and taller existence also gives a false illusion about their grandeur and more than equal misplaced self belief.

 
We all have observed & subliminally understood that around 70% a person grows from inside and rest he is what he is - as a result of manure he has received from his parents. Some parents in the absence of concurrence from their partner, they become aggressive & violent. If you do not agree with me that means that you are against me. A lot of times such immature emotional outbursts & irrational behavior from parents is absorbed by the child by process of osmosis.  Therefore, whatever they have vicariously learnt from family members becomes overtly visible, without even realising this facet of inheritance. For instance if parents have mutual respect for each other, children would by & large follow in their footsteps.
If either one is disrespected, children will easily attack them or vent their anger on the parent who is unreasonable.

If they have been pushed to follow a certain course of education or profession which has resulted in a failure, that will certainly lead to strained relations.
Parents at times tend to exhibit a bias towards one child leaving the sibling envious and hurt. These emotions eventually translate and culminate into disrespect for parents.
Personally, I feel strongly about the fact that one parent shouldn't be cutting the other one in case of a discipline issue. Not only will the child lose respect for the parent, but also end up getting reassured about the wrong as right since it was endorsed.
Respect is a very delicate understanding in our minds like a fence of a garden. A broken fence can destroy the garden and a strong one will protect it from stray animals.
Parents have unconditional love for children and children are completely dependent on parents till a certain time, more so when they are growing up.

The foundation of respect is laid in the early years and will continue to last for the rest of the lives. The demonstrated & expressed emotions of the parents generally get inherited as the genetic values, all occurring in the subconscious state. A parent has to first become a sensible, well meaning, understanding & a matured human being first.
 A unreasonable and a badly behaved parent much like a relay race hands over his/her negative traits too. That is why, if the basic emotional rectifications are not done through a process of self awareness, they can cause long lasting damage to both the parties.

If this edifice of parent & child relationship is not managed well, this leads to further distancing from each other and lack of respect becomes a primary reason for it.
Parents should have a friendly demeanor towards their children, however a parent is a parent, not a friend. It generally is not harmful to follow a certain parent & child grammar.  
Children must be treated with respect too - shouting, violence, hitting below the belt, being mean when expectations are not met with - all leave a deep impact in their minds.
The other day, at the airport during security, a young lady of about 12-13 years was hit in public by her mother over a trivial issue as she was unable to contain her excitement on taking a flight. The kid was embarrassed and deeply, for the mother was following a classic style of parenting, oblivious to the feelings of the child.

Like they say, the wound heals easily but the scar on the heart never heals.
Children will respect parents when parents will stand tall in the role-play.
Being respectful & reasonable is a fundamental block of building an enduring relationship with your child, as the days of traditional parenting are becoming obsolete.
 
I haven’t found all the answers yet, but I live with the value that not only elders but everyone must be respected. Respect isn't an one-dimensional emotion. Once we view life through the prism of respect, we become mindful and existential respect for each and every aspect of our existence becomes our primary nature. Growing as a being is always a work in progress, we all do fail on certain occasions.

I have realised - that we are in this beautiful universe to evolve & grow, not age. Which most of us do. Aging happens without awareness & efforts.
The journey of life starts, from where we are!

According to Shri Aurobindo - we must prepare ourselves before we give birth to a new life. We must first become aware of who we are and the potential to what we can become. We can give to a child what we have and what we are.

As a first step we should have a role model of a parent in our mind. Then we should write down the values we would like pass-on to our children. We should become the parent - for whom a child would have respect. Most importantly for a parent for whom we will have respect. The story and the foundation of respect, starts from parents.

Becoming a parent with awareness and understanding of our emotions. Having compassion, love and a value system that we would like to pass on to our next generation!
Or life is the greatest teacher as says the Chinese proverb - "To understand your parents' love, you must raise children yourself"

Our social fabric has rewoven its pattern ; acceptance of age is irrelevant to most. The younger generation is very outspoken and confrontational.
Instilling this value will happen only when they see it happening all around them. Parents will have to be a role model in every way. The decorum and tonality of conversations between parents and children should be established at an early age. That would eventually inculcate this into a habit as they grow.  
 
 
 
 
Is respect a fading emotion

Reasons possible

• Conflict at home
• Lack of respect in parents
• Family culture
• Brazen way of communication
• Tonality of family conversations
• Respect of women in the family

The following are some pointers, which you can inculcate in your style of parenting.
Do it Yourself Checklist-

• Do you treat your child with respect
• How do you address them
• Is there softness in your speech
• Do you humiliate them in public
• Do you admonish them in front of guests
• Do you have the patience to go through a difference of opinion peacefully
• Do you force your own idea of life and your aspirations on them
• Do you compare them with other friends / siblings
• How much time do you spend with them educating about life in general
• What is the barometer of discipline – over or under- is there a balance- how often do you say no / yes to their demands

 
 I am happy to take questions on the subject. You can reach me @8851948791.

A Mother's Road Map to Board Exams

The board exam result is always thrilling for me ; I live through the experience every year.

The results are always a huge surprise; the most easy going students will score very high and some diligent ones get much below than expected.

My daughter passed class 12^th in 2018 and many in her class surprised me; most got above 90 without a lot of struggle.

The journey of 10^th and 12^th boards is arduous and taxing . I took a sabbatical from work when my daughter was in class 8^th. She was doing well in Social Sciences but Maths and Science was not her game.

The school teachers are not really helpful in the pursuance of academic excellence.. it is the journey of the child and the parents…more so the mother.

This blog is about my learning on how to crack the board exam with a view to get more than 95%

As I mentioned, I took a sabbatical when my daughter was in class 8^th struggling with the mounting pressure of Mathematics. Finding the right tutor was the first task at hand, the current tutors were not getting the technique right and we were wasting time and money.

Continuous prospecting helped me find the right maths teacher who came at home, and in a month her maths scores started to reach above 85%.

This got her report card sorted and she was in the top five in the class. This diligence continued till class 10^th when assessment was still internal.

Science and Maths tutors came at home and the rest was managed on her own and the labour of 6 to 7 hours daily went on …finally the 10^th result was 96%.

One milestone was over.

The next challenge was subject selection for class 11^th.

Humanities was a no brainer but we were made to believe that maths should be added to her subjects.

It was not the right choice.

For a student, who is not comfortable with Maths, it will eat into the preparation time of other subjects and the overall result will get compromised.

Apart from that, this adds a lot of anxiety to a child’s life, especially if it is imposed on them.

Many kids can now drop Maths in class 9^th which is a welcome initiative. We must let the child enjoy and excel at what their natural abilities aid them.

We decided to drop Maths and go for the Humanities with Economics combo.

My daughter was loving the subjects and enjoying the discourse.

I was watching the results over last few years, and noticed Humanities students were scoring almost full marks in their subjects in the board results.

However, in the school assesments in class 11^th and 12^th they were being given not more than 80%.

I was groping in the dark. Meetings with school teachers didn’t quite give me any satisfactory answers.

With some trial and error, we realized that the trick lies in answer writing and that there is a prescribed format of CBSE that must be followed.

Each checker gets about 20 bundles to check in a day hence students have to work on the presentation of their answers. They need to accord the attention of the checker towards the keywords and phrases through highlighting and underlining.

The school was not guiding them in that direction.

Every teacher had her own view, some wanted very long answers, some very short, most were not interested in checking the attempts to solve previous board question papers …all in all the school had left it to parents and students.

We managed to download the answer writing format and question papers of the last 6 to 7 years for all the subjects.

I also managed to reach out to teachers who were board examiners . My daughter attempted over 60 to 70 question papers and they were assessed by these examiners.  Now as I write, it looks very simple but the process was laborious and finding teachers was hard.

Plus the kid is exhausted, household is exhausted and it feels heavy and hard.

Anyhow, the preparation was right and exams went well.

The result was upto our expectation – 97.5%.

She made it to the first cut off list of DU and as a family we were relieved.

Sharing some of my learnings for the parents

·     Choose subjects to the natural ability of your child

·     Find the best tutoring that works for your child- one or one vs group classes.

·     Spend enough time with your children in these years so that they know its team work of the family.

·     Make sure the answer writing format is perfected.

·     Attempt as many question papers as possible

·     Take feedback of board examiners to the sample question papers

·     Write neatly and beautifully

·     Make flow charts wherever possible

·     Stay happy and step out for a coffee with your friends or parents regularly

·     Say a prayer / listen to music/ watch some TV as a leisure activity.

·     Avoid the smartphone completely.

I will end it with a quote from Debjani Maam –

“ the three hours of exam is your opportunity to create magic on the answer sheet ; when the examiner opens to read it make it a delight for them."

My best wishes and love to all the students and parents for all the exams that we take in life.

Does your child possess Life Skills?

Often when I chat with friends, we talk about our children. It is only natural as children somehow become a purpose of our lives; our lives revolve around them. Most parents are busy ensuring a good quality of life to their children, often putting themselves in stressful jobs and continuing with defunct relationships.

During some of the chats, recently during the lockdown, many friends sounded disturbed with how children were waking up post lunch, demanding good food, not contributing to the house chores and perpetually stuck to Netflix or gaming sites. They live as guests in the house and that too very demanding ones.

It took me back to me own childhood days. I grew up in a small town with not too much help at home. In those days homes were couple centric. The home routine was centered around the parents, a nod of approval was required on everything that we did, there were no announcements but only permissions.

We were conditioned to start contributing to household chores from an early age, running errands for groceries including helping in the kitchen, laundry, mopping dusting, ironing etc. yet we still found time to study, play, socialize and still do the housework.

It was the normal in most households; of course we had only an hour of TV viewing in the evening on DD. Absence of smartphones gave us all abundant time to do a lot. Besides that the main entertainment was storybooks and comics, which I personally relished. Most of us went to the libraries, read books and I personally savoured that time. Reading definitely helped us all in understanding many nuances of life and areas that were not generally touched upon by our parents. We were happy and cheerful with light schedules, conversations and time spent with friends and family taught us how to conduct ourselves in society/ groups. Time was spent in human company, at school or home. Our daily lives required understanding and adjustments; friendships too were enduring and committed.

Coming back to the contribution to housework, my mom being a strict task master (slightly overt on that front) would be charitable with a slap here and there if she found us doing less than expected.

It was a household with 3 kids and only one full time help (which was also rare in our town). I often heard my Mom reprimanding us on how if we were not adept at house work, we would be not ready to face the real world.

Cut to today, the parenting style has become a synonymous with pampering and I am included in it.

Early school days of our children today are filled with few hours of schooling followed by extra classes in singing, instruments, sports, karate, play dates, birthday parties and more extra curricular activities. Television and online games are a natural filler along with smart phones. Meals are eaten in front of televisions and solitude with technology is a no brainer. As kids get into middle school, the pressure of studies start mounting, they end up spending a lot of time in tutorials at home or going to coaching classes.

Drivers and maids are at their service, and a part of managing their daily routine of academics and extras. This keeps them out of loop with the realities of domesticity.

As my daughter was growing into a teenager, I tried to encourage her to participate in a few chores at home. We did build in her a habit of reading, exercising, outdoor activities and a sanity of a disciplined routine. She saw a household of two working parents who had strenuous routines, which did bring in a spirit of responsibility towards her own work.

 However, her response was very luke warm regarding the contribution to the household as she was too used to maids at home. Actually our children don’t even get a glass of water for themselves, they are just used to being served in most upper middle class homes. Getting them to start later once they are adolescents is not easy; it has not been easy for me.

Children have found a way of living their lives with books, OTT, smartphones and ofcourse friends. Most of them have anxiety issues, their relationships are complex, minds are more complicated and interpersonal issues are plenty. My take is that they have just too much time to devote to themselves. Integration into the home routine and sharing responsibility will bring in maturity and calmness.

Most parents are dealing with this challenge. Changing habits of young adults won’t be possible, perhaps they will learn to deal with their lives once they start working and live on their own. During one of my recent chats, a friend mentioned how life skills must be taught to kids. I delved a little deeper into understanding of life skills to check how many do I have and what did my daughter learn.

Life skills are an evolved concept; many adults do not have life skills despite the experiences they have gone through in their lives.  I personally feel that the critical ones which must be inculcated from the very beginning are empathy, decision making, problem solving and managing interpersonal relationships. All these are always a work in progress for us as we deal with new situations everyday. Our experiences help us develop a basic intuitive sense that aids us in problem solving and decision making.  The process of life, the culture of our families and education teaches us empathy.

When our children serve us a cup of tea, it is a way to learn interpersonal relationships and caring for family. I often urge my daughter to serve tea to the cleaning staff in our colony and feed the poor so that she gets to understand what empathy is. If they are used to doing their bit at an early age, it will become a part of their being and will get easily extended to school, college and work spaces.

Learning to cook teaches many skills in one go especially problem solving and decision making. It helps us to focus and brings in clarity of thought.

Contributing to household chores serves a reality check. It teaches children the dignity of labour and to respect people who help us.

My friend was narrating an incident about his stint in Jordan, where his colleague was fully adept at cutting wood and starting a wood fired oven for his mom to bake delicious pizzas for family dinners. The boy would have grasped many life skills at one go while handling this complex apparatus.

I use a combination of coaxing and being firm but have been able to get my daughter to start basic cooking, cleaning, mopping , laundry and baking. Experiential learning is the sole path for acquiring Life skills. Daily practice and learning will enable children to not only balance their time but engage them productively, distracting them from their gadgets. It will also lead to a seamless integration of academic responsibility with self reliance and sufficiency.