The Apple of Desire

 Desire, said the Buddha, is the cause of suffering. But without desire, what delight?

Edward Abbey

 

 

The landscape of our society has changed immensely in the last two decades, especially more so in the last one. Technology and social media have had a substantial role to play in changing the social fabric of our lives. The norms of right and wrong have changed; the younger generation believes that every moment must be enjoyed; socializing, mingling and casual relationships have definitely gone up.

There are certain things which are for the better but as the wise ones say; the good and the bad always co exist; they are inseparable.

The younger generation is far more expressive about their desire and sexuality which was a taboo when we were growing up.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it because it is a biological need hence the social order of marriage has been created so that human beings can satisfy their desire and fulfill other emotional needs of love, security, companionship etc.

 

We live in a changed scenario now, education takes priority over marriage.

The new social order has affected the institution of marriage. Families focus on settling the children professionally first before thinking of their marriages.

But the onset of desire remains the same and it peaks as per the biological cycle.

Therefore, youngsters today are not waiting to be married to satisfy their desires. They are getting into intimacy very early perhaps in school as this is the way to go now. It is not a generalization but it is not a one odd case either. Are we ready to accept this new order and prepare our children to strike a balance in their professional goals and physical/emotional welfare. Well thought through communication suited to your child’s personality can be an approach.

 

At the outset, I have to thank two important people who have helped me put this together:

My friend and eminent gynecologist – Meenakshi Ahuja and my daughter, Ananya.

 

 

My conversations on the subject were open and free flowing with my daughter. She was the one who told me on how things have changed and how classmates/friends are going ahead with relationships and intimacy.

 

  Some of these anecdotes are as follows-

 

Meera ( name changed) is a smart average looking teenager who is aware of her sensuality. She is quick to get into relationships, establish physical relations with boys who will pamper her, help her with placements etc. The expression of intimacy is very overt with no inhibitions.

 

Charu has three different boyfriends who are all active on her relationship status. She is sexually involved with all three of them without any qualms.

 

Dolly has been actively involved in sexual relations with three partners which leads to a sexually transmitted medical condition and she is admitted to the hospital.

 

A friend shared an old event - a young 23 year old develops attraction for his young aunt (father's younger brother's wife) and pushes his luck with the aunt when the uncle was away for some errand.

 

Recently first cousins - were caught in a compromised situation by the girl's mother.

 

There are also repeated cases for unwanted pregnancies that come to gynecologists on a daily basis from eminent educational institutions.

Despite all the information available on the internet youngsters do not necessarily take precautions.

 

 These stories are not unusual but all of us would want to hear them and not experience it as parents. Sexuality and its expression is viewed with prejudice especially for women; but do we think about the navigation our children will require through this phase of their life? They must be safeguarded emotionally and physically from any trauma due to lack of proper information and precaution.

 

Emotional intelligence of parents plays a vital role in this communication. Nagging, bickering, denial and acting as a disciplinarian is avoidable in my view. The softness in your dialogue and use of examples is crucial. We all have seen many complicated issues where the closures have been damaging to the child and entire family. These kinds of narratives, if required must be used to safeguard you child.

 

For eg: In case of the character of Maan Kapoor in ‘A Suitable Boy’ also, parents either brush the issue under the carpet or are harsh with the boy. There was an absence of open communication and dialogue. He eventually realizes it was not right but soft communication with the warmth of parenting could have avoided the damage.

 

Basis my understanding, essentially there are three types of young adults:

 

·   Sober and focused on their careers and building a life ahead. They may or may not even have a partner if they are pursuing excellence in their field of choice.

·   The second ones are largely sober with a steady partner; they don’t want to completely ignore their desires; however will keep a balance between work and pleasure; wouldn’t mind a sexual relationship and will be cautious in its execution.

·   The third type is a bit on the wild side; experimental, obsessive even addicted to the idea of sex. They can end up harming themselves in many ways; psychologically and may go completely off track with other life goals. Teenage pregnancies/venereal diseases/ multiple partners/ sex addiction/embarrassing social situations are some of the examples.

 

As per Dr. Meenakshi Ahuja, the case of unwed pregnancies is certainly on the rise. She also talks about serious cases of sexual transmitted diseases in young adults coming to her from prestigious colleges and universities of Delhi. Multiple partners are a reality and so is casual sex. Young adults are out to satisfy their senses under the rush of hormones.

 

 There is no single formula on how you safeguard your children. The family culture, parents outlook, child–parent relationship and understanding all play a very important role in this entire exercise. My understanding of a basic roadmap is as follows :

 

1.   Respect your child and their desires. We all have it. This is Nature’s gift to all living beings in the universe.

2.   Understand the priorities of your child and have a road map ready to communicate on the topic and handle their curiosity well. Use the conversation to unfold areas and make a connect with your child so that they feel comfortable to come and ask you for advise.

3.  Children will start asking some basic questions from age 5 onwards; give them realistic answers. For e.g.: I always told my daughter she came from my womb and was not given to me by a fairy.

4.  Choose fun literature and books for them to read up in advance. Don’t wait for your daughter to start menstruating to tell her about periodic cycles. On the advise of Meenakshi, I had got Meg Cabot books which were a starting point of our discussions.

5.   Your approach and the comfort you give to your child will decide if your child will come back and speak to you honestly.

6.   Dangers of unprotected sexual relations and multiple partners must be clearly explained as they lead to venereal diseases and complications.

7.   Real life situations in the form of story telling must be shared as examples to explain consequences and dangers

8.   Living in a society and its implications on our actions cannot be ignored so that it does not cause embarrassment to your child.

9.  Most importantly, be a bestie to your son or daughter in these years if possible; they will respect you and it will strengthen your bond for the rest of your life.

 

I would like to end with this quote and thought,

Children are completely egoistic; they feel their needs intensely and strive ruthlessly to satisfy them.

Sigmund Freud